August 8, 2016

Are you an anxious parent? Do you constantly worry about Ā your children? Are you afraid to let your child experience failure, hurt, or disappointment? You are not alone. Anxiety in children is on the rise. It seems to be directly related to a trend in anxious parenting.

Anxious Parents Do Too Much For Their Children

Recently, I ran across Ā this video from ATTN: that reported that 52% percent of high school graduates cannot change a tire. And many do not have other basic living skills like boiling an egg or sewing a button. This is not because they are not capable. And it is not because they donā€™t have home economics or driversā€™ education in schools.

It is largely because anxious parents do things for their children so that they donā€™t have to worry about something bad happening. What if he burns down the kitchen? What if she canā€™t loosen the lug nuts? I am worried that…

Anxiety and Mental Health

Postpartum anxietyĀ is more common in women than depression. Both anxiety and depression are serious conditions. They can be treated with counseling and/or medications and should not be ignored. (If you think you are suffering from either, please contact your physician or a mental health professional).

Anxiety can be genetic. It is a trait often seen across generations in families. However, anxious thinking and anxious behavior is also LEARNED. If children are constantly hearing the parent say, ā€œBe carefulā€ then they are more likely to also feel worried.

Are You Teaching Your Children to Be Afraid?

There is a really cool (but very old) video from the documentary Life’s First FeelingsĀ about how babies read facial expressions of their parents. Go the the 34 minute mark to see this part:

It shows a mother making a scared face to her baby so that he will not cross a line that looks like a ā€œcliffā€ from the babyā€™s point of view. When given the OK, the baby safely explores and crosses the ledge.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DZBaSTKMLNU

So what if you are constantly sending the DANGER warning when there is really not a ledge. You pass on anxious ways of thinking and anxious behaviors to your child. They learn it from watching you.

How Anxiety Affects Parenting Behaviors

As a society, we are so worried now about something BAD happening to our children. We are worried about being called a BAD parent. You see this when something bad happens to someone else. The social media comments run rampant with , ā€œThis is why I donā€™t allow my child to go swimming. That is why I never let my child do that.ā€ I think we are sort of patting ourselves on the back when itā€™s not our kid.

The Danger of “What if?”

Most parents have some form of ā€œWhat if?ā€ parenting anxieties that are holding their children back. I hear them often.

  • What if he fails second grade?
  • She might burn herself when using the stove?
  • I’m afraid he will get hurt.
  • What if she gets kidnapped by a child molester while playing in the yard?

As a result, parents are keeping their children inside to ā€œkeep them safe.ā€ They are supervising their interactions at parks and playgrounds and intervening with the correct instructions. ā€œDonā€™t jump off that, you could hurt yourself. Donā€™t do it that way. ā€œ They are doing things for their children like picking out their clothes and running their bathwater.

Itā€™s true. I once had a parent of a 10-year-old boy that could not take a shower without the motherā€™s help. ā€œWhat if the water is too hot?ā€ Well, heā€™s 10. If the water is too hot, he will turn on the cold water or move out of the way. And guess what? He did.

The ā€œWhat If Something Bad Happens?ā€ mentality is so pervasive that it has actually become a standard for good parenting. Well meaning people see this as protecting their children and they are doing it because they care and love their children.

What they have a harder time with is allowing the child to have the room to take risks. It is difficult toĀ give children the space to possibly fail. Guess what? Most times, kids figure it out. They catch themselves at the last minute or they fall and they recover. Or they get burnt and know better for next time. Or they fail second grade and try harder the second time around.

What Anxiety Does To Ā Children

The danger to our children is that they hold on to the same anxieties, fears and doubts.

  • What if I make the wrong choice?
  • I might look stupid?
  • My mom might get mad.

Instead of having the natural curiosity and desire for independence, these children are filed with doubt about their abilities and are dependent on their parents. When they try something new or hard and it doesnā€™t go well right away, they quit. They demand help, they throw a tantrum or they just plain give up.

I believe that is because they are afraid to fail. We are afraid to let them struggle. But it is in the struggle that learning takes place. It is with curiosity that new discoveries are made.

What to Say Instead:Ā  Ā  Ā  Ā  Ā 

Ā I think that is Ā something you can do.Ā 
And then wait and see what happens. You can also do safety planning ahead of time by asking questions like, ā€œWhat would you do if there was a fire?ā€ ā€œWho could you call for help.ā€ ā€œWhat things will you need before you get started?ā€

Thereā€™s a popular poem by Erin Hanon that I hope will motivate you to reframe ā€œWhat Ifā€ parenting from the negative, anxiety based place into the place of possibility and discovery.

ā€œWhat if I fall?,

oh my darling,

what if you fly?ā€

See the entire poem here.

I ask, what if we let go of our parenting anxieties and let our kids fly?

About the Author

Jen Taylor, LCSW-C, RPT-S is an EMDR Approved Consultant and Certified Journal to the Self Instructor.  She is a therapist specializing in complex trauma, an international play therapy teacher and a published writer of multiple play therapy chapters.  Jen is the creator of the original 2017 Play Therapy Summit and many other innovative programs for mental health professionals.  Jen uses writing therapy, play therapy and expressive arts for her clients and for other mental health professionals so they can lead more joyful and meaningful lives.  Jen encourages people to try new things and create daily habits that allow for incremental progress towards previously unimaginable results.   Jen is a travel enthusiast, an avid reader, and a girl who lifts weights and runs for fun.  

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