It’s about that time for a report card to come home again.  Learn the secrets that a play therapist uses to review reports cards and set goals for the remainder of the school year. These practical tips work just as well for gifted children with Straight A’s as they do for struggling children with Straight F’s.

Report Card Review 101:

1. Don’t Look At It!

At least not right away. You can assess your child’s report without even looking it by paying attention to their body language and tone of voice when presenting a report card.

There is a big difference between a child that smiles and waves the paper, “We got our report cards today!” and those that hang their heads and mumble, “Yeah, I got my report card.”

So, start by assessing how your child FEELS about you seeing the report card.  Then REFLECT on that feeling.  “You’re so excited about your report card.”   Or, “looks like you are not so happy with your report card.” 

PARENT MISTAKE #1:   Assuming They Don’t Care

Many parent assume that children with bad grades don’t CARE about their report card. I have not found that to be true.  Most children do CARE about their grades.

Those with bad ones are often just ashamed or embarrassed about their struggle.

TIP #1: Reflect their feelings

Connect with your child’s true emotions and you are ahead of the game before you even look at the report card.

2.  Find Something Positive

Always find something positive about the report card.  For children with Straight A’s it might be a class with a 100 as the final grade.  For children with Straight F’s, it might be a good conduct score in a class or just the highest F.

PARENT MISTAKE #2:  Starting with the Negative

It is natural for your eyes to go straight to the only C on a nearly A/B Honor Roll report card. I guarantee you that your child’s eyes did the same.  But dismissing 5 good grades by focusing on the lowest one is a sure fire way to kill your child’s esteem.

TIP #2: Start with the best thing

Even if your child goes straight to the negative, you can say something like, “I see that, but let’s start with this B in Science. Tell me more about that.”   Let your child talk about what they like about that class or teacher and what strategies they have used to be successful in that area. Continue reviewing the entire report card this way from the best grade to the lowest grade.

3. Let Them Solve The Problem

Your children will never learn to solve problems if you are there with the solution every time.  Too often, parents are rushing to schedule parent teacher conferences to talk about the report card.   You want to show your concern, but do it in a way that lets your child learn to advocate for himself.

PARENT MISTAKE #3: Rushing in with a solution

If your child has some bad grades on their report card  (and for some that may be a C and for others that might be some D’s and F’s), parents are usually too quick to rush in with a solution.  Good intentioned parents will come up with plans for a child to have tutoring or to start studying for 30 extra minutes per day before asking the child what they need to be most helpful.

TIP #3: Ask your child what they need to do

Before jumping in with a solution, ask your child, “What do you need to help you bring this report card grade up?”  Kids usually know what caused the problem with the grade and will do better long term if they come up with a plan to fix it.

The solution might be a system to organize homework, a change in after school routines, or help with test taking strategies.  Don’t assume that your child learns or studies the same way that you do.  Ask them what they need to do better and help them put that plan into place.

This includes having THE CHILD talk to the teacher directly (without you) about what they can do to improve their grades on their report cards.

4. Establish a growth mindset

There are two ways of thinking about problems.  One is a fixed mindset: this is the way that things are and there is not much that I can do about it.  The other is a growth mindset. Here, you look at setbacks or failures as learning opportunities and see the potential to grow from them.

PARENT MISTAKE #4: Praising the product

If you child has excellent report cards, it is easy to riddle off praise like,  “Good Job! You’re so smart!” But focusing on the outcome of the report card takes away the chid’s ability to feel proud of their work.   Even worse, it sets gifted kids up for frustration when work gets harder and then they question if they really are smart after all.

TIP #4:  Focus on the effort

Instead, focus your praise on the effort involved.  “You have really been working hard this report card cycle. All of that studying in Science is really paying off.”

This teaches children that hard work is necessary to achieve results.  And it shows them that they have the ability to improve even when things start out hard.  You can read more about the dangers of overusing praise here.

This is also your chance to challenge your gifted children that made Straight A’s without much effort. You can ask them what they would like to learn (in or out of class) that would be more challenging.

5.  Have Realistic Consequences

Of course, children that have bad grades on their report card need some level of consequences.  It is important to show your child that you care about their academic achievement.  This is especially true if your child has not been putting in much effort and that is the reason for their negative report card.

PARENT MISTAKE #5:  Going overboard on punishment

However, going overboard on punishment takes away all of your leverage. If you take away your child’s electronics for the next nine weeks (until the next report card), your child’s ability to handle that level of punishment might be overwhelmed.   Why try if the reward seems so far out of reach?

TIP #5: Try Daily Consequences

You can still show consistency and concern by imposing consequences on a smaller scale.  Instead of having a punishment for an entire report card cycle, test out daily consequences. 

Daily consequences allow your child to practice the habits that will lead to better report card grades. For example, “if you have not written your assignments down in your planner, you can not watch television TODAY.”  

These types of contingencies allow your child to feel successful through the grading cycle and reinforce the daily habits of good study skills throughout the year.

Video Tutorial on Reviewing Report Cards

If you are a visual learner and want more guidance on reviewing your child’s report card, you might find this video example helpful.

 

Final Thoughts

If you are still unsure about what to say when your child’s next report card comes in, snap a photo of the grades only and send it to me at info@jentaylorplaytherapy.com and I will be happy to give you some feedback.

Why a white daisy?

Apparently, when people  are asked to draw a flower, the first one that comes to mind for a majority of people is the daisy shape.   This single flower (just the flower part without the stem or any leaves and on a solid black background) was show to study participants after being shown a high-arousal negative image. Examples of high-arousal negative images include awful things like violence, injuries and car crashes.  Two trials were conducted:  in the first subjects were shown a high arousal image and then either a) the flower image b) a mosaic of fragments of the flower image or c) a visual fixation point.  In the second trial, the high arousal image was followed by either a) the flower image, b) a chair (deemed a neutral image) or c) a blue sky with clouds (deemed a positive non-floral image).   Systolic and diastolic blood pressure readings were taken throughout the experiments.  

As expected, mean blood pressure was lower when participants viewed the flower versus the fixation point or the mosaic flower,  but what was unexpected is that the flower image actually reduced mean blood pressure to a level lower than the baseline.  Both the flower image and the blue sky had a similar positive impact in changing mood from negative to positive (with the blue sky having the most overall impact).  However, only the flower (not the sky) caused a reduction in mean blood pressure.  It was determined that viewing a simple flower image could in fact change a negative mood into a more positive one and also decrease blood pressure. 

The power of the single flower image was then studied in regards to salivary cortisol levels.  During this study, the high-arousal images were once again paired with the flower image, the flower fragment mosaic or the fixation point.  Once again, only the flower image was shown to significantly decrease stress during the recovery phase. One final examination looked at fMRI images of the brain during these conditions.  Through this imagery it was discovered that the flower image was effective in decreasing the amygdala-hippocampus activation that occurred after viewing the high arousal images. Researchers speculated that the flower image was a distraction tool that was helped prevent the recall of the stressful images.  

The brief viewing of this single flower image was shown to be effective at reducing negative emotions and created better functioning of both the cardiovascular and endocrine systems! Having such a simple tool available to help reduce stress and regulate unpleasant emotions and is one possible tool for interrupting ruminating thoughts or unpleasant flashbacks.  

About the Author Jen Taylor

Jennifer Taylor, LCSW, RPT is an experienced child and family therapist and public speaker who specializes in trauma, ADHD, and conduct problems. Discover more about her diverse clinical background and family. Reach out to Jennifer with questions or comments by emailing at info@jentaylorplaytherapy.com

Jennifer Taylor, LCSW, RPT is an experienced child and family therapist and public speaker who specializes in trauma, ADHD, and conduct problems. Discover more about her diverse clinical background and family. Reach out to Jennifer with questions or comments by emailing at info@jentaylorplaytherapy.com

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